


Why Sirius Is Not Allowed to Babysit

by AkozuHeiwa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Babysitting, Collateral Damage, Gen, It's All Sirius's Fault, Lily is not pleased, Mild Language, Remus is only guilty by association, Sirius should not be trusted with children, as in furniture and clothing mostly, except it's a mess, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 18:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9338180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkozuHeiwa/pseuds/AkozuHeiwa
Summary: After all, Harry Potter was an angel. Sirius could totally handle it. No problem.(In which Sirius and Remus babysit and it is not good.)





	

“We can handle it, you said. He’s just a baby, you said. He can’t do any harm, you said. Well, let me tell you: THIS classifies as harm!” Remus gestured angrily around the living room of James and Lily’s house. Sirius winced. The wall by the door was completely coloured by red and blue crayons. A bowl of Spaghetti-O’s laid upside-down a few feet away. The blanket off the couch was strewn across the floor and covered in milk. A bottle of juice laid spilled on the carpet. A path of Cheerios and muddy footprints led to a giggling toddler on the back of the couch, reaching for a golden Snitch with his muddy fingers. Sirius’s hair was sky blue, his face dripping with milk, and his shirt covered in thrown Spaghetti-O’s. Remus’s hair was neon pink, his shirt stained with apple juice, and a livid bruise forming on his cheek from a thrown Sippy-cup. 

And this was just the living room.

“How was I supposed to know that Harry is a devil child?” Sirius spluttered. Harry squealed delightedly as he grabbed the Snitch and proceeded to fall off the back of the couch. 

“Pa’foo, Sish!” Harry gurgled, crawling around the couch, and holding up his tiny little fist. “Moomy, Kiddish, Kiddish!”

“Yes, Quidditch,” Remus replied dryly, before turning to Sirius. “How can a one-year-old cause so much trouble in an hour?”

“Devil spawn!” Sirius declared, as Harry tugged on his jeans with his muddy hands. “What, Prongslet?”

“Pa’foo, Mumma?”

“Mumma’s on a date with Dadda, Prongslet,” Sirius explained. Remus rolled his eyes, and got ready to whack his best friend. “Probably snogging her right now- ow! Bloody hell, Moony! Ow!!”

“Boody'ell,” Harry repeated happily. Remus groaned, and punched Sirius again. “Boody'ell, Pa’foo.”

“Oh, no, no, no, Prongslet!” Sirius cried, panicking. “Don’t say that in front of Mumma, okay. Damn, Moony, we are screwed.”

“Moomy, we scewed,” Harry giggled. Sirius’s eyes widened comically, and he shook his head desperately. “Boody'ell , Pa’foo, we scewed!”

"You just keep making it worse," said Remus, raising an eyebrow. 

“Lily’s going to murder me!” Sirius moaned. His distressed expression was actually rather comical, with the milk dripping down his face and Harry laughing gleefully.

“Yes, she is,” Remus agreed solemnly. “And, since I didn’t teach him that, and I’m just a witness, I’ll be perfectly fine.”

“Pa’foo scewed!” Harry exclaimed merrily. Remus sniggered and nodded as Sirius buried his milk-covered face in his hands. “Bad Pa’foo!”

“Moony, Padfoot, we’re home- what in the world!?” Remus grinned evilly as James’s voice carried into the living room. Sirius started searching for a place to hide. “What the heck happened?”

“In here,” Remus called. “Your son is evil and it's Padfoot's fault!”

Lily and James came rushing in, staring in horror around the room.

“Boody'ell, Pa’foo, we scewed,” Harry declared, waving at his mother. “Hi, Mumma.”

Lily's furious expression turned on Sirius. He gulped.

“You have ten seconds to run, Sirius Black,” Lily growled. Sirius blanched and then took off, Lily on his tail. “SIRIUS BLACK, HOW DARE YOU TEACH MY BABY TO SAY THAT!!! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO RIP YOU IN HALF!!! YOU ARE SUCH A HALF-WITTED, BLOODY- FREAKING IDIOT, SIRIUS BLACK!!!”

“Pa’foo boody feakeen idot?” Harry asked innocently, looking up at James and Remus. Remus snickered, and James nodded absentmindedly. “Feakeen idot, Pa’foo.”

“That’s right, kiddo,” Remus grinned, bending down and ruffling his hair. “Padfoot’s a bloody freaking idiot.”

“AND YOU ARE A COMPLETE, ARROGANT GIT!!!” Lily’s rant continued. “CORRUPTING MY SON!! I DARE YOU TO FACE ME, YOU PRAT!!”

“Pa’foo git?” Harry asked again. A small grin was growing on James’s face as he nodded, and Remus was full out laughing. “Pa’foo pat?”

"Should we tell her to stop?" James asked.

"No, no," said Remus. "Let her keep going."

There was more incoherent screaming from the other room.

"Pa'foo scewed," deducted Harry gravely.

James nodded in agreement. "Goodbye, Pads."

Harry mimicked his dad. "Gooby, Pas."

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic on AO3! I originally posted it on FFN, but it is now here and edited a little.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed! 
> 
> <3 Akozu


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